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All the neat meds I get to take and the realization that it's permanent
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Well, I honestly didn't take it too serious at first. I kinda treated it like a joke.
Until the day I was sitting in my shrink's waiting room. The reception is right as you enter the door, with seating rooms to the left down a short hall and the same on the right. A mother entered with her teenage son and was signing him in, when his little sister who looked about 4-5 years old spoke up. In a excited voice she asked "Which side is the well side and which is the sick side, I want to sit down and color in my book." At this I was covering my mouth to hide my laughter.
It wasn't till later sitting in Eckerd's waiting on my perscriptions to be filled that I remembered her mother's answer. She patted the girl on the head and in a sad voice said "There is no well side here honey, just wait a minute and we'll sit down."
At this point I realized that I am ill. Unlike the lady at the counter bitching about Amoxicilin, I couldn't take a bottle of pills (making sure i take them all even though i feel better) and be well again. I was, am, and always will suffer from mental illness.
So there I sat, a grown 31 year old man. Leaning on the crappy blood pressure test machine and crying. It really didn't hit me till then.
When it does sink in, the implications are scary as hell. What about relationships? Will I ever have one again, or is that all over. Former alcoholic mad men don't rate very high on women's list of attractive things.
After living by myself for 12 years or so, I don't know if I can even live with someone, or would it be a disaster. With the depression being so deep for so long, it stifled my personal growth. I am just starting to get a little personality back. And I was never a very friendly person. I was always a loner. Was that all the future held for me?
Boy, that was a depressing day. But today, I think of the little girl's innocence and smile. It's a shame life can't always be as easy as it is for children. |
So now I take a ton of meds. I think at current count 5 in the morning, 3 at lunch and 5 at bed time. So far the voices have shut up and I sleep much better usually. Sometimes I still have rough nights. Other side effects so far have been loss of 40 lbs in 3 months and constant dry mouth. That and yawning alot and being a tad lethargic. Most people probably think i am lazy or hanging out late. Well, at least I haven't been hanging out late. Not sure if spending money and shopping are side effects, but i did alot of that lately, when i used to shop about every 5 years for clothes and things.
I guess it doesn't matter. I feel much better. I still struggle, and therapy can be a real bitch. You really have to get honest with yourself. After the meds start helping balance things a bit and you get more educated about your condition. You can start examining some of the ways you were defeating yourself, helping to feed the monsters in you. You have to start making peace with a past that, if you are like me is embarrassing, pathetic and disqusting. You have to take it slowly and go a step at a time.
Some of the therapy will send you into depression. Some of the things that you worked so hard to forget over the years, when pulled out of your mental closet into the light of day, can really send you into a tail spin.
You realize that some times you have lied to yourself so many times over the years you started believing them. So you have to go back and face the truth. Try to find some way to come to terms with what you find. It's not easy, and believe me, the regrets can pile up if you let them.
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I finally went last weekend to see my friend John's grave. I didn't go originally because i was so pissed off at him. We had a deal. If it came to that point, we would call the other and no matter the time or place, the other would come to help. He left me. Didn't try to call. I was pissed he was free and I was stuck here. But now more alone than before. I was angry because I was jealous. I envied him in a way. Now I just miss a friend that I feel I may have failed.
This past weekend I talked to him and things are ok. I think I will visit him more in the future.
I also wrote a goodbye letter to my Grandfather, because I didn't get a chance to say good bye and tell him how much I loved him and what he meant to me. That was my fault, I just couldn't deal with it at that time for some reason. So I stayed away, and missed my last chance. Something I will never forgive myself for, but maybe can come to terms with.
As therapy continues, it digs deeper and things get a little harder to deal with. I just hope I can handle all of it. My journals have grown to over 1100 pages now. And new things to write about keep croping up. Its like a stoney field where you turn the rocks over and all sorts of creepy crawleys come wriggling out into the light.
I've started having major mood swings in the past week. Definately got to get this straight with my Psych next week. My mood can do a 180 in 5-10 mins. From wanting to hit someone and berate them one minute, to the wild urge to start crying the next. My head is starting to feel a little more messed up. That and the urges to self-harm. I wonder how things will go at this meeting with the Doc. He has to have some idea how to make this improve.
Mostly I am being candid with people about what has happened to me in my life. I have to keep a sense of humor about it. As long as I can laugh about it and not get all morbid and sad, being crazy isn't so bad. It does make you look back at all the movies you saw with crazy people in them and realize how much they were hamming it up.
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