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Finding out I had a problem
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I hadn't realized how far I had fallen into the weird states I would go into where I would just do things and not even notice. I paid off all my debts. I didn't realize till after I saw my therapist the first time that I had cleaned out my desk at work. Rather disturbing to realize you had been cleaning up all the loose ends and didn't realize it.
It finally got to the point where I had to seek help or I was going to do something drastic because I couldn't go on as I was. My boss had mentioned anger management or therapy before, so I figured what the heck. I'll try one last thing just for shits and giggles. Turns out the therapist I called must have heard something in my voice, because we didn't talk 3 minutes and she cleared an appointment to see me in 2 hours.
Thus begins the wild ride through the mental health system. My therapist is really great though. She can kind of jedi mind trick me into doing things I need to do. She started me journaling as just a way to keep track of my meals, meds, sleep patterns, all that jazz. I didn't take it too seriously but in 4 months i have written about 1050 pages. Some nights it just pours out of the pen. All the poison in my soul. The guilt, anger, rage, emptiness. It is a good thing so far and has helped alot. You just got to get past toting around a diary. (Even though you can find manly looking ones. They call it a "journal", but its still a diary :) .)
Its funny how when you start to take the meds and your mind clears how you can see how bad off you were. Its also a tad depressing in itself. You realize what an asshole you have been to all the people around you. Just a little more guilt to pile on the burden on your back. It was just amazing to me that no-one said anything to me, or maybe I was too wrapped up in myself to hear. Maybe they did, I wa s never too good at picking up on subtle hints before.
Its all in how you take it. You can only fix things one at a time. You can only hunt down so many people from the past to apologize to. Between the horrible way I treated people when I was wavering between drunk and crazy and the things I have done in my life because I was "not right in the head". Its hard sometimes not to feel a tad bitter. I have literally wasted a decade and a half of my life. 15 years lost to time. But at least now I have a chance for a future that can be changed.
Things in the last month or so of my collapse had gotten so bad I couldn't answer phones, and if someone came to my house I would hide and not answer the door. I couldn't be around people. It made work nearly impossible. I was having anxiety attacks all the time, every day. The damned thing is, as a man, thats not supposed to ever happen. Panic Attack? Hell no, thats for women, but it was happening to me and out of my control. And the only way I could respond was with anger or to try and hide.
The therapist along with my GP (general practitioner) started me on low doses of Prozac. After 3 weeks I described it to them that it had the same effect as my multi-vitamin in the morning. Now, for a while my therapist had been mentioning I needed a Evaluation. This, I was trying to avoid. I feared it. But she tricked me. (remember the journal?) She gave me some numbers and said she would call me later that day to see how it went. Knowing my fear of answering phones, I actually made the call to the Psych Hospital. I got a evaluation scheduled for the next day. It was a free screening too. So, scared as I was, it made me feel a tad better. I just wasn't prepared for what was coming up...
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Some of the symptoms I had been living with for years I never would have believed came from defective wiring in the ole brain box. \n
For about a year and a half with increasing frequency I was actually waking up with head aches. And I am talking head aches like you get from a cheap vodka hangover.
I was generally waking up about 4-5 times a night. I never got more than about 4 hours sleep a day.
These 2 things made me look like a drunk most of the time, and I woke up incredibly pissed off at the alarm clock. It made me hate going to work. I would lay in bed at night when I couldn't sleep, dreading the next day at work. Having to wear the fake smile, eating Excedrin like M&M's. I used to pray every night that I wouldn't wake up in the morning. I couldn't stand my life.
Then things got worse when I started hearing voices in my head. They were my own voices but there were 3 of them and 2 of them argued alot. Kinda like the old cartoon devil and angel on each shoulder. Just my devil side screamed and raged at everything. He wanted to destroy anything that annoyed me. The angel was sad and just wanted to go back home and go to bed to pull the covers back over my head like a shroud and lay there from now on. The 3rd one was the devious, scary one. He was calm and kinda whispered. He never outright said I should commit suicide, but he would just tell me I knew how to end all this pain and anguish if I wanted to. It would be easy. All the noise, all the headaches, all the people, everything I hated could all go away. I could finally find peace. If I wanted it.
I knew what he meant, because I almost off'ed myself a little while after my divorce about 10 years ago. I was even in the depths of depression then. I don't know how i made it through that night, I only made it as far as loading the gun, cocking the hammer back and biting down on the barrel hard enough to chip my teeth, I just couldn't pull the trigger no matter how bad I wanted to.
But you can gather up alot of self-hate, grief, remorse, and sadness over a decade. That joined with my isolation for about 5 years, it wouldn't be so hard this time.
Because this time I wasn't sad and distraught. I was worn down and tired. I had nothing left to give. I tried and made it as far as I could. Life was just held no intrest for me any longer. I hadn't had a enjoyable, good day in a few years. Every day was pain and misery.
I got lucky. I got damn lucky that I decided to talk to my boss and human resources director. I made the call to the therapist and gave it one more shot. Things are not great now, but they are better. And better is bearable. I can live this way. I have alot of work to do, to straighten out my head and find myself again, but it's an intresting journey.
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